|  Author | Topic: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist (Read 505 times) |
dremare
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|  | Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Thread Started on May 3, 2008, 12:20am » | ![[Quote]](http://s4.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
Okay, ever since I have joined I had a story about a 15 year old teen named Keith Evans & his twin sister, Ashley. It takes place in the year 2030, where everything is basically the same but instead of normal notebooks they write in are now portable computers of the century. The portable computers (PC-2324) is composed of a keypad worn on the left hand & the screen are glasses that are able to project holograms. However, Keith dreams of being like Picasso & Leonardo, & therefore uses old time notebooks, paper, & writing utensils. Everyone scoffs him, but he plans to become the greatest artist of the century.
Chapter 1
Keith sat in his room, about to finish a sketch of the Mona Lisa when Ashley burst into his room.
"Hey big bro!!!" she exclaims, & jumps on him, tearing the sketch & ruining the entire thing.
"Ashley, you dolt!!! Look what you did to my sketch of the Mona Lisa!!! Look at it!!!" he said, pointing to the torn sketch. Ashley studied it carefully.
"So? It's just a stupid drawing. You really should use your PC-2324, it works better than those ancient writing utensils you use," was her final response. Keith glared at her.
"Stupid? STUPID?!! Ashley, I have been trying to revive a very ancient way of art & all you can say to that torn sketch is that it's stupid?!?" Keith yelled, forcing Ashley out of his room. Ashley stood there is a stupor. Why is Keith angry at her? All she did was jump into his room & say hi to him. It's his fault that he was sketching while she surprised him.
"Aw well. His loss of using ancient art utensils," she said, skipping towards her friend Sarah Kirkmen's room. She skipped along, while thinking at the same time, why is Keith so stupid?
Okay, that was the end of Chapter 1 of "Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist". Pretty weird, huh? I'll gladly take any comments, good or bad.
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Deviant Anomaly
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #1 on May 4, 2008, 10:05am » | |
Interesting idea and good start.  One technical suggestion though: use double spacing between paragraphs and dialog. It makes for easier reading because it doesn't look scrunched together.
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jo
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #2 on May 4, 2008, 5:35pm » | |
I was going to say the same!
I am interested to read more though! Great start! 
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kelly
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #3 on May 4, 2008, 5:55pm » | |
That was great! My only little comment would be to use "and" instead of &.
Can't wait to read more!
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #4 on May 5, 2008, 7:57am » | |
Thanks for the comments everyone. I'll use your advice and make my story better.
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #5 on May 7, 2008, 11:01pm » | |
Okay, here's the second chapter.
Chapter 2
As Keith looked at his torn sketch, he sighed deeply. He plopped on his bed, pulling his pillow over his head. He stared at the poster of Leonardo de Vinci, and thought to himself, "Hmph, Leonardo never had to deal with a sister like Ashley."
........
Ashley rolled over the floor, complaining about how Keith is so 27 years ago.
"I mean, seriously, who would try to become an artist like Leobardo ve Benchi or something, right?!" she said, fuming, Sarah looked at her redheaded friend. She took a deep breath, and sighed.
"For one thing, it's Leonardo de Vinci, and second, there are people in 2030 who are artists," Sarah said, reading at her magazine. Ashley got up, and stared at her.
"Yea, but they're in a insane asylums for that! Ugh, I wonder why Keith isn't in one himself," Ashley said, shrugging her shoulders.
"Ashley, not everyone who's an artist in 2030 is in a insane asylum."
"Well, they should be! After all, who needs art when there's digital graphics that replace those out-dated things!"
"Maybe Keith wants to resurrect a old thing of the past."
"That, or he's just plain nuts," Ashley finally said, getting up to go to Tom's room, and before she left, she slammed the door so hard that a VR picture frame broke.
"Well, there goes another object that Ashley broke whenever she leaves," Sarah said with a sigh, and proceeded to her kitchen to retrieve a maid bot.
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #6 on May 17, 2008, 3:43pm » | |
Chapter 3
Tom sat at his old 2008 model PC, browsing the Internet, when he heard a knock on his door.
"Coming!!" As soon as he said that, his door bursted into millions of broken pieces, with what remains of the door on the hinges, until the screws fell out from the force of the explosion and the hinges fell off. There, amidst the broken pieces, was Ashley.
"Ashley!? Why did you smash my door like that?! It's Alcaban Academy property!! It'll come out of my paycheck for the month!!" he said in total shock. Ashley shrugged, and when she spotted the 2008 PC, she did a war scream, and within minutes, she turn the PC into a pile of smoking dust. Tom stood there, with his mouth agape. Finally, he let it all out in one furious yell.
"WHAT THE F*@% DID YOU DO THAT FOR??!?!!!! THAT WAS MY GRANDFATHER'S COMPUTER!!!!" he said, causing the entire dorm to shake. Ashley looked at him with a scowl.
"So what? It's a 2008 computer. You have enough money to buy a 2030 computer, that's way better than a ancient computer," Ashley said, laying on the couch. Tom pinched his eyebrows, and let out a big sigh.
"Ash, what's with the attitude towards the time before 2015? I mean, your parents and grandparents lived before 2015," he finally said, closing his eyes. Ashley looked at him.
"Hmph. The technology is terrible from before 2015, and plus, everything was stupid back then. I mean, who wants to leave the pleasures of home and technology to go - what they call it? Ca-Mping? I mean, who comes up with those ideas? If you ask me, they should all be lined up and shot to death," she said, watching DDR with the Robots. Tom's eyes twitched very quickly.
"Ashley, why watch that horrible Holo-Show? I mean, the older version was way better before all the old Hollywood stars had their brains moved to those things they call 'robots', and replaced the actual dancing with that horrible video game," Tom said, changing the channel on his Holo-Vision to the Years 2000-2015 Channel to watch the show Dancing with the Stars. Ashley turned towards him, and with a hiss, she jumped on Tom, ripping his PC-2324 off and using it to change the show back to DDR with the Robots.
"Never. Change. The Channel. To. Any Ancient. Shows. Especially ones from the years 2000 to 2015!!" she said, kicking Tom's crouch. As Tom held himself, he thought how bad Keith had it.
Well, I have an announcement: From now until early-June 'Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist' is on hiatus. I just don't have the motivation right now, and plus, I haven't even really typing chapters on a daily or weekly basis due to school. But I will start when school is done and I can do some chapters. Luckily it isn't really that long. So, see you all sooner or later.
-dremare
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jo
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #7 on May 17, 2008, 5:28pm » | |
I'd have to agree about the camping!
Great chapter. Hope the rest of the school year goes well for you. you guys are so lucky finishing in June! We have a short break at the end of May then we work right through to the last week of July.
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Deviant Anomaly
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #8 on May 17, 2008, 9:12pm » | |
Wow. I'm not sure how Ashley has managed to make any friends acting like she does and breaking everyone's stuff. LOL
Good luck with school.
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #9 on May 18, 2008, 4:18pm » | |
To Deviant Anomaly: Ashley made friends because they're really Keith's friends, and that she tagged along with them when she was young. So technically they aren't her friends, only people she talks too. And the reason why she hates 2000-2015 technology will be answered when the hiatus is over and I get to chapter 6.
For the hiatus: Oh yea, forgot to say that I'm going to summer camp, and the hiatus will be extended to June 16th. Don't worry, it won't be that long.
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Deviant Anomaly
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #10 on May 18, 2008, 8:57pm » | |
May 18, 2008, 4:18pm, dremare wrote:| To Deviant Anomaly: Ashley made friends because they're really Keith's friends, and that she tagged along with them when she was young. So technically they aren't her friends, only people she talks too. And the reason why she hates 2000-2015 technology will be answered when the hiatus is over and I get to chapter 6. |
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Ah yes. Having younger siblings of my own, I know what that's like. Fortunately they never broke any of my friends' things though. LOL
Quote:| For the hiatus: Oh yea, forgot to say that I'm going to summer camp, and the hiatus will be extended to June 16th. Don't worry, it won't be that long. |
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No worries. We'll be waiting whenever you decide to pick the story up again.
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #11 on May 23, 2008, 5:47pm » | |
Well, though I said there wouldn't be any updates for a while, but here's the 4th chapter.
Chapter 4
Ashley looked at the Holo-Vision, looking for the Japanese show, Train Force Linerman, while keeping Tom on the floor.
"Hmph. You don't have the Tokusatsu Channel, only this weird magical girl channel focused on preteen girls and bishonen. What sick mind do you have?" she asked when she reached channel 34567, where the Tokuasatsu Channel is suppose to be. Tom looked up and moaned.
"Ashley, can't you watch it in your room?" he finally said, with another moan. Ashley's head perked up, and she looked at Tom.
"You know, I just realized that," and with that, she undid her headlock on Tom and walked out. Tom looked at all the damage she did to his room, from his door to his couch to his PC-2324 and the remains of his 2008 PC. He took a deep breath, and he yelled a crazy man scream that didn't only shake the dorm, but the entire city of Blueside City.
.......
Keith struggled to get up from the sonic scream he swore was Tom's, guessing Ashley was the cause.
"Ugh. Even when I'm not somewhere Ashley always has to break something," he said with a grunt. He popped his fingers, and walked towards Ashley's room.
......
Ashley shook her head after the sonic scream of Tom. She turned towards his room and said, "Hey!! No need to blow your top like that!!"
Tom looked at her, and just glared. With a mad cow grunt he tried to slam the door until he remembered that the door was gone.
"Hmph, what's his problem?" she said, going to her room.
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #12 on Jul 19, 2008, 11:02pm » | |
Hi, haven't been on here for few weeks now, but here's the next chapter.
Chapter 5
Keith looked at the mess near the room of fellow student Tom. He slowly shook his head, and with a sigh, he walked inside.
..........
"Hey, Tom, what happened?" Keith said, even though he knew the answer.
"Your sister happened! You need to control her more!!" Tom yelled from a dark corner in the room. Keith walked towards him and saw him curled in a ball, with bloodshot eyes.
"Dude, you need to take more therapy classes," he said, with a slightly cruel tone. Tom looked at him with distaste, and in a flash, he stood up and was yelling at Keith full blast.
"I NEED MORE THERAPY CLASSES??? WHAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER!? SHE NEEDS THEM INSTEAD OF ME, I MEAN, THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED OVER 5 YEARS!!!!" and Tom soon covered his mouth, for Keith's eyes turned red, and in more than just a flash, Keith had his hands around Tom's throat.
"DAMMIT, TOM!!!!! WHY MUST YOU BE A @$$ ALL THE TIME!? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!? I HATE IT WHEN I HAVE TO FORCE PEOPLE NOT TO BE @$$3$!!!!!!!!!!!" Keith said, with a demonic tone. But as soon as Keith ended his sentence, he was filled with shock, and he ran from Tom's room.
.......
"I just think you need to help my brother," Ashley said, talking to someone on the phone.
"Don't worry, honney, we'yall take care of this," a woman with a Tennessee accent said to her on the other line. "If your brother isn't cured of his 'love' of art, then no one can!"
"Well, you better, otherwise this will be your last client ever!!" Ashley said, and she hung up quickly.
Man, I haven't worked on this for a long time. I almost forgot how the story went. Expect the next chapter next week.
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #13 on Aug 17, 2008, 3:35pm » | |
Hey everyone, you may have noticed that my birthday is today. Well, it isn't. I accidentally put in the wrong month. So, sorry for the confusion. It's September 17, if anyone cares.
But here's the chapter.
Chapter 6
Keith laid in his room, doing what he usually did when he was upset: Smashing various citrus fruits with a mallet.
"What-" *smash* " Does-" *smash* "Tom-" *smash* "Think he-" *smash* "Is!?" *smash smash smash*
He stop, and grabbed some of the pulp from the fruits and ate it. He couldn't but help think of the accident that cost his parent's lives.
........
It was when they were both ten, and it was September 17th, 2015. It was a bright and sunny day, and it was their friend, Matthew's, birthday. And it was going to be their first time in Wacko World, one of the biggest amusement parks in the world.
"Can't wait for Wacko World!" Ashley said with excitement, and was practically bouncing in her chair. Keith, like always, just sat there, looking out the window with his notebook in hand, drawing what he saw.
"Cool drawing, Keith," Matthew said, peering over his shoulder. Keith just looked at him, and smiled. Matthew was one of the only people who complemented his art, beside his parents and grandparents.
"We're here, guys!" Mr. Evans said, and there it was, a giant clown head, smiling, with his tongue sticking out. Keith, being the artist he was, drew a fairly accurate drawing of the clown head.
The amusement park was amazing! It had so many roller coasters, rides, games, food stands, and people that it spun your head till you're sick!! It even had a hotel, water park, a movie theater, and a mini-mall!! But it was these things that caused the accident.
"This place is amazing!!! I want to live here everyday!!!" Ashley said, holding her toy dolphin and cotton candy in the air. Matthew just smile, and ate his frozen lemonade. Keith, however, was focusing on drawing the rides he was on, the things he saw there, and the people he met. Then it happened.
"Stop everyone! Put your hands in the air, and hand me your valuables!" someone yelled, and everyone froze, doing as the voice said. The man and his accomplices got everyone's jewelery, games, and toys. When the man got to Keith, Ashley, and Matthew, he got a close look at Ashley.
"Hmm... I can take her instead of stealing ya' stuff!" and with that said, he grabbed Ashley and placed her over his shoulder. Keith reacted, and hit the man with his notebook. The man stopped in his tracks, and in a flash he hit Keith on the face.
"Listen kid, I can end your life as a mere press of this trigger, and I advise you not to mess with me," and when that sentence ended, Mr. Evans and Mrs. Evans grabbed him from behind.
"Keith! Matthew! Take Ashley and run! Now!" Mr. Evans had yelled, and as soon as he ended his sentence, Matthew had grabbed Ashley, took Keith's hand and his notebook, and ran. He ran as fast as he could, without looking back, with the loud bangs of the gun, without looking at the mingled bodies of Mr. and Mrs. Evans, without looking at the man with the metal face.......
...........
Ashley laid in bed, after thinking of the day after her parents death. She shed many tears, and knew her hate of technology of the past was silly, but she couldn't think of why it couldn't have saved her parents. Why couldn't it have?
............
It was a sad day for them. The funeral wasn't happy. Everyone was crying like there was no tomorrow. But the ones who were crying the most was Matthew, Keith, and Ashley. Ashley wanted to wake up from this nightmare, and Keith just drew out his feelings. Matthew hugged them both, telling them that his family will take care of them in their family-owned boarding school.
But while Keith and Ashley took up his offer, each of them wanted to blame something or someone. Keith blamed Wacko World, because they had lousy security, which he outgrew a couple years later. But Ashley blamed the technology of 2015, and she vowed never to forget it.
...........
Ashley got up, and called the asylum again.
"Hello? I like to cancel the appointment of Keith Evans, please?"
"Now girl, you can't just call and make a appointment and decide to cancel it. Now we're coming over tomorrow and picking him up!"
"Uh oh. Keith's not going to be happy."
Oh boy, is this not going to end well, is it?
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dremare
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| | Re: Dreams of a 9th Grade Artist
« Reply #14 on Aug 20, 2008, 2:04pm » | |
Chapter 7
The next morning, Tom was with the principal and his son, Matthew.
"I'd like to have my fellow classmate and friend, Ashley Evans to move to solitary confinement," Tom said with furrowed eyebrows. Matthew sighed, and shook his head sadly.
"And why do you want to have her move to solitary confinement?" Mr. Brandons said, with a ghastly tone. Tom furrowed his eyebrows even more than anyone can in the world.
"Because she destroy my door, ruined my computer, and ripped my PC-2324 to pieces! And why can't you!?" Tom said, his Irish red-hair flaring.
Matthew, with a exasperated sigh, said "Tom, I understand that you have a Irish-Asian heritage, but you must not let it control you."
Tom, his eyes practically bulging out, yelled a yell that not only shook Blueside City, but the entire state of Texas.
"MY HERITAGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT ASHLEY DESTROYED MY BELONGINGS, IT HAS DO WITH THE FACT THAT YOU OR YOUR FATHER DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT ASHLEY'S BEHAVIOR!!!!"
Mr. Brandons was so old that the shock of the yell knocked him out. Matthew stood erect, standing as if nothing had happened.
"Look Tom, Ashley has been.... Disturbed. Have you ever heard of her and Keith's tale after the accident?"
"No, I don't think I have," Tom said, with a odd look on him.
"Fine, I'll tell you."
Tom then learned of the sad past of Ashley and Keith, never in all of his life had he thought he would be so sorry about anyone.
"My god. I never knew. I'm sorry sir, I really am," Tom said in a quick pace. But before Matthew could say anything, they heard a van drive up in the parking lot.
"That's strange, I never asked for anyone to come to Alcaban for anything, especially someone who works for "Artists Asylum"," Matthew said, and with a jolt, he stared at Tom, who looked back with the same look.
"We got to get Keith!"
...........
Sarah was doing her daily reading of the student blogs in Alcaban when Ashley burst in.
"Sarah!! I need your help!!! I called some asylum called the Artist Asylum for them to cure Keith of his artist habits and they're coming today!!" Ashley said in a very quick paced voice, that even John Moschitta can't speak faster than her. Sarah sat there awestruck.
"Ashley!! How could you!? Keith's your older brother, and he hasn't done anything to you!" Sarah finally said, showing disappointment towards Ashley. Suddenly, Ashley grabs Sarah's arm.
"Come on!! We got to hurry to stop them!!!" she yelled, running so fast that Blurr couldn't go faster than her.
So who will reach Keith first? Will it be Ashley and Sarah? Or Matthew and Tom? Or the Artist's Asylum? I don't know, but you all must vote on who gets to him first. Each one will have a different result.
Note: I have made a couple references to someone in the Transformers series, guess who?
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